[Mary]

Want to know what your man is thinking as you crawl into bed? The male brain's needs, fears, and secret desires will surprise you.



Talk More Like a Man

We don't mean to clear your throat, speak in deeper tones, and scratch your privates between declaratives. Just get to the point quicker. As much as men love the sound of your voice and really love to help you out, their attention spans are short. Their minds will wander if they don't see a climax and conclusion on your story's horizon. So, as you are sharing the details of today's run-in with Brenda from Business Affairs, skip the transcript of the exchange and create a highlight reel. He'll get the gist if you keep it short and just say what's on your mind—like most men talk when talking with other guys.

But, remember, he's not hearing the story for story's sake. He's looking for a problem to fix for you. So, if there isn't one or you're not really looking for solutions, broadcast that to him in black and white: "I'm not looking for you to fix anything; I feel better just having you understand how I'm feeling." Say it your way. Suddenly, you will have given him the reward he was looking for—the satisfaction of having provided something of value to you, the woman he cares about.

Grab Hold of His Hand

Many women think that men don't like cuddling, handholding, and other non-sexual forms of closeness; they're wrong. Men enjoy it as much as you do, but they are conditioned to hide these deep desires to avoid the appear­ance of weakness—"non-maleness"— in front of other men and even from you. When you display your love in public by grabbing his hand, planting a brief but passionate kiss, touching his thigh with your hand, or grazing his arm with your breasts on purpose, you demonstrate confidence in your sexuality, which men find irresistible.

Give Him Props

Remember how hard you worked on those show-and-tell projects in kinder­garten, and how good you felt when the class clapped and, at home, dad said "attagirl"? Men are, in many ways, kindergarteners who want nothing more desperately than your appreciation and respect for their hard work. Because that recognition rarely comes from their bosses, it's even more critical that you give it to them on occasion at home when they do some­thing particularly thoughtful or skillful. Men grow up with cultural expectations to be strong and brave, to suppress their emotions, fears, and hurts, so it may be very difficult to detect this need beneath their stoic armor. But, rest assured, it's there; men can be insecure.

One of the most effective ways to show your love for him is to fulfill his need to feel valued and needed as provider and protector. In a poll of Men's Health readers, 66 percent said they want women to compliment them on an intangible yet specific quality, something they uniquely possess. Be sincere: "I love how you always can make me feel better" is much more effective than "You're wonderful" because it rein­forces his efforts to care for you.

Laugh with And at Him

After her body, her sense of humor is the most attractive thing about women for men who responded to The Big Book of Sex survey. But that doesn't mean you have to be quick with jokes and witty one-liners. Simply being able to laugh with him, at him, and at yourself is a sign of intellectual compatibility, says Billy Goldberg, MD, coauthor of Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? "Men want a woman who is as comfortable relating her own ridiculous anecdote as she is listening to ours."

Ask For What You Want in Bed

Men aren't the best mind readers. But they understand coaching, having spent years playing organized sports. So most of them respond well to feed­back and direction. In fact, they would very much enjoy hearing what you'd like them to do to you in bed. If you're not really comfortable asking for specifics, take the pressure off by talking in generalities when you're not in bed. Once you're between the sheets, "turn requests into erotic expressions, not instructions," says Joy Davidson, PhD, a sex therapist in New York and author of Fearless Sex. "Saying 'Oh, do that slower,' isn't an order, it's sexy."

[Mary]

Seduce Him with Subtlety

Skip the Lady Gaga impersonation. "With so much explicit imagery in the media, too much exposure isn't seductive," says Robert W. Birch, PhD, a sex therapist. Instead, play a little hide-and-seek. Let your shirt fall from your shoulder, undo one more button, or wear a fitted blouse over a lacy bra and watch him ogle you all night long. "Allow the peep to appear uninten­tional," Birch says.

Be More Assertive

As much as a man likes to be in control, the bedroom is one place where he would like to see you take more control—and we don't mean by grabbing the TV remote. Be the one to initiate sex. When you take charge, you affirm your desire for him, something he needs both in and out of the bedroom. Take advantage of his notorious propensity for visual cues.


Keep the Lights on

There's nothing sexier than a woman who lets her guard down in bed. "He loves when he can see and feel your body, and the biggest turnoff for him is your acting embarrassed," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a relationships advisor for Perfectmatch.com and author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years. So create an environment where you can enjoy yourself—candles, lingerie, whatever you need to relax and feel beautiful. Trust us; he doesn't see the imperfections that women tend to zone in on—all he knows is that he loves your body.

He Wants More Foreplay

You think we're kidding. Well, the vast majority of men responding to The Big Book of Sex survey said they expect foreplay to last 15 minutes or longer, on par with what the women respondents think.